Tell me who I am: I will believe you; considering self concept

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It was one of the first weeks of the fall semester at West Shore Community College. I had just walked out of science class with my brain spinning, back pack loaded with homework. The whole week had been trying. I had two tests to prepare for, but, with their being the firsts tests of the semester, couldn’t even guess what they would be like.

Then I had read the psychology study guide. I immediately felt overwhelmed. Paragraphs of questions covered two pages. They weren’t yes or no”, “true” or “false” questions. They weren’t questions with one word or phrase answers. They were “describe” and “explain” questions. It was so long, confusing, and extremely detailed. My stomach had tied in knots.

Image result for geoffrey kramer west shore community collegeNow, as I walked in the empty hall, from behind me, my psych teacher approached. Cheerfully, he commented about a question I had asked that morning. “You aren’t still worrying about the absolute refractory period, are you?” I pasted a friendly smile on my face and stopped walking, but I couldn’t answer. He might’ve been seriously wondering, or perhaps he was just making conversation. Either way, I couldn’t lie, but I certainly couldn’t tell the truth. I tried not to let the “yes, I am still really worried” show on my face, but couldn’t think of anything to say.

In the silence, he spoke up again, conscious of at least a little of my worry. “Well, I saw you were looking at the study guide. Isn’t that helpful?”

The smile disappeared. “No. No, not in the least. The study guide was what put me into such horrific terror!But I didn’t say what I was thinking. I put all my effort into not letting the tears form and run down my cheeks.

I knew the silence was long and the lack of eye contact would make him suspicious. I knew if I didn’t answer right away, I would have to admit the truth. If I didn’t say something, he would find out how I felt. But my jaw was clenched as I fought to keep the tears from escaping. I lost the battle.

In the empty hall, in front of my respected teacher, I started crying.

cristian-newman-141895I really didn’t want to make him feel bad. He had done a fine job, I was just stressed. It wasn’t his fault, and he didn’t need to feel bad for me. But I couldn’t hold the tears back.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s not a big deal. I’m just a little worried about this test and the material.”

“Do you want to come to my office and we can go over some of it?”

I’ll never forget those fifteen minutes of my life. Partly because breaking down crying at college, especially in front of one of my most respected teachers, is embarrassing and is not an easy thing to forget. However, I’ll remember those minutes mostly because what Dr. Kramer was willing to do for me meant so much. A single one of his how-many-students starts sobbing about something stupid and he takes her back to his office, even though he had a meeting to be to in fifteen minutes, and spends his time trying to calm her down. The value that Dr. Kramer had for me–as evidenced in the way he treated me gave me more confidence in myself.

Self concept is complicated. So many things influence the way we view ourselves. Even things like those simple fifteen minutes are so crucial, so memorable, so impacting. This is partly because people and instances impact the way we view ourselves. This is called reflected appraisal–“the theory that a person’s self-concept mirrors the way the person believes others regard him or her” (Adler & Proctor, 2014, p. 413). So, the way people treat us can change the way we believe in ourselves. What they do sends messages–and we believe what they tell us.

Image result for self conceptOur self concept has significant value. If we are confident, yet humble, realize our strengths with pride yet understand our weaknesses without becoming distraught, then we will be able to spend our energy on more productive things than simply worrying about who we are. Being confident that we are valuable will allow us to reach out to greater things–take bigger steps.

Because of how easily impacted our self concept is–but still how valuable it is–it is essential that we keep ourselves in good company, spending time with people who will show us love and respect. It is vital to surround ourselves with people who will back us up and push us to press onward. It is also essential to spend time in God’s word or inspirational books which remind us how valuable we are (Spoken For: Embracing Who You Are and Whose You Are). Especially those of us who tend more toward beating ourselves up over struggling with pride, if we don’t purposefully remind ourselves who we are, we are likely to fall into pity parties or stop marching because we no longer believe in ourselves.

Similarly, we need to speak love and value to other people–especially those of us who believe that each human is created in God’s image. There are so many ways to encourage others: write a note to them, give a phone call, spend some fun time with them, complete one of their chores for them. Where will the world see God’s love, if his people aren’t showing it? But even speaking to people who aren’t into God, you know how much encouragement from a friend can speak to you.

Image result for I love you noteI’d like to challenge you to consider the five people you spend the most time with. Do they believe in you? Are they building your self concept in a healthy way? I’d also like to challenge you to encourage some of the people around you. A good friend gives, and doesn’t just take. What is something concrete that you can do right now to influence your friends and tell them that they are valuable?

Finally, you know I love comments 😉

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My Communication Testimony: how learning how to communicate saves relationships

IMG_20170708_170348990I lay in the top bunk, trying to calm down my younger sister as she exploded, “I hate you! Every single day you make me so angry at you!” I could hear her crying as I responded to her, “I don’t understand; you never make me angry. Why do I upset you so much?” I could sense her frustration in her reply: “Everything you do makes me angry. Every single day. I hate it!” “Well, tell me what to change. If you tell me what to do differently, I’ll do it. Then I won’t make you angry. I can’t change until you tell me what I am doing wrong.” I lay calmly on my bed listening to her sobbing in frustration with me. “It’s just everything, BethAnn, you make me feel so worthless.” Although I was calm in my bed, I will admit I was hurt to know I was hurting her. “Well, goodness, just tell me how to Image result for confusedchange. I’ll change for you! Just tell me what you want! You have to give me specifics or I’ll never be able to stop making you angry. What do you want me to do? I know it’s not your communication style to be so blunt, but I can’t speak your language if you don’t adjust and speak my language sometimes. You’re going to have to do something outside of your comfort zone so that I can speak your language. What do you want me to do?!”

These conversations happened on a very regular basis over an extended season in time when my relationship with my sister hit a rough spot. Looking back I see how cruel I was in these conversations, speaking my conversational style in a pushy way, forcing the task-oriented, low-context side of things. But she hated me and I didn’t understand why she didn’t know that I loved her. I didn’t know what to do. Working our way through this extended and painful conflict was one of the reasons I am so passionate about communication today.

Communication in close relationships is like communication in any other kind of relationship except that everything in close relationships is so many times more magnified, intense, and important. This is mainly because in close relationships, we have IMG_20170620_115110749much higher expectations for the other person combined with the fact that we have regular, long-term interactions with the other. We expect the other person to truly know us and we expect love to conquer all. But when there is even one communication style difference, that one thing which gets on the other’s nerves really builds up over time. When one thing you do whispers a lack of care for the other, this one thing begins shouting a lack of care over time.

In this case with my sister, it turned out we were speaking different love languages. I speak words of affirmation and physical touch. “Tessa, we’re a great team. I appreciate how we compliment each other and I’m glad to have you as a sister” was my way of proving I loved my sister (I didn’t hug her–I already knew she has a large space bubble and can’t stand hugs!). But to my sister, whose love language is acts of service, these words were very shallow.

I actually asked Tessa to share her side of the story, and here are some of her thoughts: 0514171506What made it worse is that I would show her that I cared by cleaning our room, making her pancakes for breakfast, or collecting F Minus comics out of the newspaper only to be met with remarks like “Why does it matter if our room is clean?” “I actually felt like toast for breakfast,” or “Well, I don’t need all the jokes. And that one isn’t even all that good.” It seemed like all my attempts were getting met negatively, on purpose. Yet each time I would explode, she would try her best to convince me that she really did love me and she couldn’t understand what was wrong. Unfortunately, often actions speak louder than words in my life, and in this situation, it was very difficult for me to believe her words when her actions were conveying a very different message by my interpretation.”

It took me a long time to figure this out. It’s not that I didn’t believe actions mattered, I just didn’t realize how crazy much they really mattered. I really just wanted her to spell it out so that I could solve the problem quick and easy. Geez, Tessa, just tell me what you need! But to those of you who can relate to this, I have something to warn you: talking it out doesn’t always solve everything.

Consider the act of wishing someone happy birthday. If I remember it’s your birthday and greet you with a bright, “Happy birthday!” when I see you, it can mean a lot. But if we go through your birthday together without me remembering and you finally speak up and say, “You know, it’s my birthday today.” My bright “Happy Birthday!” isn’t the same. You can’t necessarily know if I was doing it because I cared or because I felt obligated.

Image result for pancakesIn the same way, I have to learn to communicate in Tessa’s love language on my own sometimes to show that it is genuine. If she had to tell me, ““BethAnn, my love language is acts of service and I’m not going to feel loved until you sincerely do occasional acts of service for me just to remind me that you do care. If you would only clean our room up sometimes and maybe make breakfast for me, or just do something for me…” for one she wouldn’t know how much I’m doing it out of concern for her happiness or how much I’m doing it out of a guilt trip. Secondly, this approach would likely make Tessa feel guilty for asking these things of me. Going out of my way sometimes to show my sister love is healthy. But if you’re the person asking for this, it feels needy, selfish, and wrong.

Tessa helped explain this too. “Another straw that was added to the camel’s back was the guilt that she would indirectly make me feel for communicating the way I did and for feeling the way I felt. There was obviously conflict in our relationship, but since she didn’t see anything wrong, it was apparently my fault. I was the one being annoyed; I was the one who couldn’t spell things out plainly; I was the one not feeling loved. But I felt guilty for telling BethAnn what I would like her to do and what would really make me feel like she cared because it felt very selfish of me and like as soon as I told her it would be fake.”

I had to figure this out the harder way: I had to pay better attention to what made her happy, I had to try different ways of proving my love, I had to go out of my way to speak in her love language. But doesn’t that demonstrate love much better than if she had just told me? So this is why I am so passionate about studying communication. It’s humbling to recognize that my way of communicating is not only not the only way, but it’s also not even a “better” way. Recognizing this fact is what allows me to truly demonstrate my love for my sister and it’s what allows me to have a better perspective of where I fit in IMG_3582this big world. And it saves a very valuable relationship in my life 🙂 

I hope that you will take communication seriously and will humble yourself to recognize that other ways of communicating are valid. Please let me know your thoughts and/or experiences. I’d love to hear how understanding the complexity of communication has made a relationship of yours stronger.