I’ve got trust issues.
Right now is a time in my life where a lot is changing and very little is predictable. Having just graduated from a Christian university, arguably the most-quoted advice I received as I started out on this agonizing job-searching adventure was to “trust God.” I’ve heard them all: “God knows what’s best for you.” “You’ll end up where God wants you.” “It’s in God’s hands.” “No matter what happens, you don’t have to worry because God is in control.”
If I’m being fair, I’ve relayed some of these messages to you in previous posts, so I can’t be too harsh on the folks who dish out this advice. But if I’m being honest, I’ll let you know I’m quite a hypocrite.
I do entirely believe that, so long as I’m plugged into God, he will lead me where he
wants me. However, this does very, very little to put me at ease. I’m 100% resonating with C. S. Lewis right now when he said,
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
When I was in school, grades were an idol. I let them define who I was, and turned to them for satisfaction and worth. There would be moments where I would realize this, but I was scared as heck to pray about it. Yes, God would take care of me. If I follow God’s plan, he will use me, I will have purpose, and I will find great joy–I have no doubt. But what if his plan meant getting anything below an A in a given class?!? I could hardly pray about my grades and school for fear that handing God the reigns would mean giving up something great that I desired. And good grades are great.
But the thing is, maybe good grades aren’t best. Maybe I was trusting the wrong thing.
In my head I believe that–even if God’s best is painful–it is worthwhile. He will take care of me and, somehow, he will make every second of pain worthwhile (even if my feelings don’t always agree). But in my heart, I’m scared, untrusting, and very (very) hesitant. What if God’s Best for me is chock-full of pain, discomfort, uncertainty, inconvenience, and havoc. Am I willing to let God lead my life if that is what he has in store for me?
I don’t like pain.
I need to remember that this life isn’t by any means the end all, be all. Even if absolutely every single second of my life on earth were to entirely suck (it doesn’t.), the pain would be incomparably minute compared to the eternal life of the purest form of rejoicing and joy on the new earth. It would be worth it.
But so often I don’t have that perspective. So maybe I can’t honestly find the strength to pray for an all-in kind of submission to God’s “best” right now. But, working together with God (who, ultimately, is actually the only one who can change me anyway), can I find the trust to start to pray for more trust?
I wish I was perfect. But while I might preach that God’s best is to be desired, in my heart, I’m still not even there yet.
God can still use me. He can still use you despite all you may feel you’re failing at. Let’s support each other on this journey of learning trust.