Hosea 13:6 reads, “When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me.”
I don’t like not knowing what’s next. I don’t like the unknowns that being a young, unsettled adult bring me. But I will admit that my journal is heavily peppered with cries to the Lord because of my dissatisfaction:
“Oh God. I am so anxious. Dry my tears. Oh God, give me peace. Please. Hear me.” “Why do I fear never finding anything joyous?…Give me your perspective God.” “Don’t forget me, God.” “For heaven’s sake–literally–use me Lord. I pray. And beg. Because I feel that I’m helpless without your guidance.” “Oh Father, I come to you because I don’t know what else to do…”
Day after day I come to God, desperate. Desperate for him to hear me, desperate for me to see as he does, desperate to feel his presence. Because I am dissatisfied as I am. And when I am so desperate, I pray with sincerity. I pray often. I genuinely seek him.
A relationship takes two people working at it. God is one hundred percent always pursuing us. If I’m not growing, it’s likely because I’m not giving him enough of a chance to work in me.
Clearly this desperation isn’t fun. Even in the midst of this fear, coming before God doesn’t magically become easy. Consider this entry: “Why does God feel so boring? Lord, if you are the answer, why do you feel like a chore? Why does turning to you seem like hugging a prickly pillow for comfort?”
But the point is that these unknowns force me closer to God, no matter how much “fun” it is. And–ultimately–isn’t that what matters in the long run?
No, I wouldn’t turn down satisfaction–not in a million years; what do you think I am?? But maybe the lack of satisfaction, the lack of foreknowledge and security, is ultimately for the best–even for my best.
If I knew what my life would be like next month, if I knew what I was going to do for a job, if I knew what friends I would have, would I come before the Lord with such sincerity and such frequency?
“Lord, prepare me for what is ahead. Transitions are such a good time to hear you…Make me be still and listen”