Uugh!! I stinkin’ messed up again! “You have to stop making mistakes,” the department head told me, “we’ve got bigger groups coming in now and it’s a bigger deal when you mess up.”
Goodness knows he’s right. Goodness also knows I can’t in good conscience promise not to make more mistakes. In fact, it was kinda hard to promise anything in the moment.
“Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.” was the alert message loudly blaring in my head and occupying most of my thinking power at the time.
(Okay, okay, if I’m being honest, I’m not wholly certain that I genuinely believe that last point I made. But, as a child of God moving forward with the wisdom God has provided me, I have absolutely no reason to believe I am worthless here. So self-compassion and God’s grace demand that I have confidence in my value at work.)
All that being said, I’m still don’t believe I was “made” for this current job. I think there are other jobs out there that could suit me better.And ever since I came to this conclusion week or so ago, I’ve been haunted by a great discontentment.
Yes, I love my housemates, I love camp culture, I love the property and style of life. But I’m a little hung up on the fact that I’m not wholeheartedly in love with my job. And, according to the American Dream, doesn’t that mean I should promptly up and move on to find my dream job??
Yeah…we all know that’s not true in our heads. But culture has a powerful way of seeping into our beliefs without our knowledge. I would’ve never been the person to say I believe in “destiny” or that I believe life on earth could be perfect. But isn’t my current discontentment a sign that I actually (in some shape or form–albeit unconsciously) subscribe to this belief?
Something Carol, a co-worker, said has really stuck with me: “Heaven is not a place on Earth. Stop looking for it.”
(Yes, another thing I love about working at camp is we can straight up have spiritual conversations whenever!!)
That statement might sound cliche, but stop and think about it for a moment. In our culture, it’s so easy to expect that there is a perfect way of life out there (even if we don’t realize we have this expectation)–a perfect job, a perfect spouse, a perfect place–and we just have to keep searching for it until we find it.
I mean it, actually. How much more content will I be here and now if I realize that, although sometimes life sucks, that’s normal and expected? How much more content will I be if I recognize that “my destiny” isn’t out there somewhere passing me by?
There is a lot I love about camp. There is also a lot I don’t love. And one day I know I’ll move on. Hopefully by then I’ll know more about myself and will know more about what the world has to offer. Perhaps I’ll find a job that does fit me better. And hopefully I’ll appreciate more aspects of that job.
But until then, I hope to make Carol’s comment a conscious attitude–with which to fight the unconscious expectations I apparently hold to. Heaven is not a place on earth. I don’t have to be discontent when I don’t find a perfect life here–because that’s not what I’ll be expecting.
What are your thoughts? What do you struggle with? How have you fought some of culture’s lies that seep quietly into your expectations?