I’m afraid that when I thought I was positive, strong, and able, that I was wrong.
A friend gave me a “Daily Question” journal that asked, “What are you afraid of?” Last year the above was my answer. Sometimes I feel on top of the world, but just as often–if not more–I really feel who I thought I was in my strong moments was all a lie. In these moments of terror, if someone else tells me I’m strong, I can’t take the compliment. Instead, I believe they only say this because they don’t actually know me …and then I only feel weaker.
Jason Gray, in his song “The Wound is Where the Light Gets in” sings, “…everybody wishes they were born with thicker skin.” I can relate. But in my worst moments, I’ve found it helps to journal. To journal in desperate prayer and allow God to speak to me as I pour out my fears.
Last year, in a time of struggle, I picked up my journal and wrote, choosing to believe the truth that God speaks over me. The following is what I wrote; I found it helpful in the moment and helpful to reflect back on.
“Strength isn’t never feeling weak. Strength is fighting even with the weakness. And I will be strong. I will fight when I don’t feel like it. I will work out. I will wake up. I will clean my house. I will answer the phone. I will eat when I don’t feel like it. Because I am strong.
“No one can help the personality he or she is born with. Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe it’s a handicap. But whatever I have been dealt, with God, I will push forward to be ever stronger than I was.
“I am beautiful. I might have emotional crashes. I might not even feel like eating. But I am strong. I have grit and determination. I have self-awareness and I have unimaginable value in the eyes of my God.
“I have no reason to be ashamed–I am a daughter of the King. I am loved unconditionally. I am growing, even if I don’t know it.
“I can push forward even when I don’t want to. That is strong. I am strong.
“I impact others. I am here for a purpose. I am not as strong as I want to be. I am not as devoted to God as I want to be. But I am loved as I am. And he is delighted to work with and in me. I will continue to make a difference.”
The world speaks painful lies to us every day, and if we aren’t intentional, we begin to embrace these lies instead of the truth God is desperately wanting us to recognize. You may not be where you want to be, but you are created in the image of God. And God don’t make no junk.
You are’t going to always feel strong. But the truth is, strength isn’t never feeling weak; Strength is fighting even with the weakness. What are you doing to allow God to speak truth to you? Comment with your thoughts.