I’ve been in desperate need of wisdom lately. Like a lot. And I’m praying–even passionately and desperately–for this wisdom. What do I do when I don’t get anything back?
I know God hears. I know he’s in control. I also know I need wisdom.
Recently I read a very stereotypical Christian book that argued we must ask God for wisdom. Ask, and then wait. If we don’t gain wisdom, we need to wait, because God will provide in his own timing.
Okay… Sounds good. But I CAN’T. I can’t wait. Because “waiting” isn’t putting off a decision until I hear from God. Waiting is making a decision. Waiting is making a decision to ignore something I don’t have answers on. Or to avoid a person I don’t have answers for. Or to disregard something that needs dealt with.
But what if I have enough wisdom to think ignoring, avoiding, or disregarding is not the wise choice? Then all I’m left with is knowing I have to do something, but not having a clue what that something is. So I cry out to God. But I haven’t been hearing anything much back lately. And certainly nothing clearing up my confusion.
In a recent prayer I cried out, “But where are you? It’s like I need you here and now, but I’m drawing static. God. I know you hear. I know my understanding of time is so skewed. I know if you’re not giving me what I think I need, then I don’t really need that.”
God is the God of the Universe. He created me. So he knows a ton more than I do. If he’s not giving me what I think I need, I have to admit, I must not need it.
But what does that mean? I still have to make a decision today to do something! What if I make the wrong decision? What if I hurt myself? What if I hurt others? Do I just have to trust that the itty, bitty, teeny, tiny ounce of wisdom I have is all that God knows I need right now? Do I have to trust that whatever decision I make, until I get further direction from God, is the right decision right now? Is it prideful to think that a decision I make right now could screw up my life–or another person’s life? Is it possible God wants me to make mistakes? But why would he force me to learn the hard way when, in advance, I’m asking for wisdom to learn from the Creator of wisdom? Normally people are forced to learn the hard way when they’re not humbly asking for wisdom in the first place.
What do you do when, as the saying goes, you know God needs to have the wheel, but when you go to pass it over, it seems like God won’t take it? Why, if I want what God wants, I’m asking for what God wants, and God wants what God wants, don’t I get any more wisdom about what the heck God wants? When I’m actually willing to work as a team (which is often a battle), why doesn’t God take advantage of it?
I don’t have answers. I have a lot of confusion. For now, I’m just gonna continue in my restless state of unknowns, crying out for wisdom, making decisions I fear may be the wrong ones–for lack of direction, and leaning into the understanding that if God’s not giving me what I think I need, I must not really need it.