Drowning in Silence.

silhouette of kneeling man

I’ve been in desperate need of wisdom lately. Like a lot. And I’m praying–even passionately and desperately–for this wisdom. What do I do when I don’t get anything back?

I know God hears. I know he’s in control. I also know I need wisdom. 

Recently I read a very stereotypical Christian book that argued we must ask God for wisdom. Ask, and then wait. If we don’t gain wisdom, we need to wait, because God will provide in his own timing. 

Okay… Sounds good. But I CAN’T. I can’t wait. Because “waiting” isn’t putting off a decision until I hear from God. Waiting is making a decision. Waiting is making a decision to ignore something I don’t have answers on. Or to avoid a person I don’t have answers for. Or to disregard something that needs dealt with.

man in orange top beside eyeglasses on brown bookBut what if I have enough wisdom to think ignoring, avoiding, or disregarding is not the wise choice? Then all I’m left with is knowing I have to do something, but not having a clue what that something is. So I cry out to God. But I haven’t been hearing anything much back lately. And certainly nothing clearing up my confusion. 

In a recent prayer I cried out, “But where are you? It’s like I need you here and now, but I’m drawing static. God. I know you hear. I know my understanding of time is so skewed. I know if you’re not giving me what I think I need, then I don’t really need that.”

God is the God of the Universe. He created me. So he knows a ton more than I do. If he’s not giving me what I think I need, I have to admit, I must not need it. 

But what does that mean? I still have to make a decision today to do something! What if I make the wrong decision? What if I hurt myself? What if I hurt others? Do I just have to trust that the itty, bitty, teeny, tiny ounce of wisdom I have is all that God knows I need right now? Do I have to trust that whatever decision I make, until I get further direction from God, is the right decision right now? Is it prideful to think that a decision I make right now could screw up my life–or another person’s life? Is it possible God wants me to gray and black vehicle steering wheelmake mistakes? But why would he force me to learn the hard way when, in advance, I’m asking for wisdom to learn from the Creator of wisdom? Normally people are forced to learn the hard way when they’re not humbly asking for wisdom in the first place.

What do you do when, as the saying goes, you know God needs to have the wheel, but when you go to pass it over, it seems like God won’t take it? Why, if I want what God wants, I’m asking for what God wants, and God wants what God wants, don’t I get any more wisdom about what the heck God wants? When I’m actually willing to work as a team (which is often a battle), why doesn’t God take advantage of it?

I don’t have answers. I have a lot of confusion. For now, I’m just gonna continue in my restless state of unknowns, crying out for wisdom, making decisions I fear may be the wrong ones–for lack of direction, and leaning into the understanding that if God’s not giving me what I think I need, I must not really need it.

10 thoughts on “Drowning in Silence.

  1. Appreciate your honesty as always. You mention that if God is not giving you what you are asking for, in this case, wisdom, then you might not need it. What are your thoughts on a James 1:5?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Matt, for your response. I really appreciate reader feedback. James 1:5 has been on my mind. I grew up using that verse to give me motivation to ask for wisdom. And I still run to that verse. But, honestly, I feel like I relate with James 1:6-7 just as well: “But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord…”
      I listened to a Dr. David Jeremiah sermon last week where Dr. Jeremiah stated people who run to God for wisdom and yet also run to other things are the ones who are like the waves of the sea. I literally raised my hand, self-labeling myself. I do desire not to doubt (Lord, help my unbelief!), but desiring or not, I find myself feeling quite tossed by the wind.
      As much as it would be easier, then, to self-label as a failure and give up, I know that’s not wise either. Whether or not I doubt, somehow that’s not reason to give up—despite how this passage may make it sound. So, feeling quite helpless (we all are, aren’t we?), I plan to go on asking for wisdom, hoping He–in His unfathomable grace, patience, and love–will grant me wisdom despite my fickle doubts.
      And, even when I feel all I receive in silence, I will continue, believing that if one of us is confused about expectations, communication, or wisdom, I will always be the one at fault when faced with an all-knowing, all powerful God 😉

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  2. Kevin Deyoung has a book called “Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God’s Will. It is a really short read and it might help give you some encouragement in this situation.

    Liked by 1 person

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